Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
