I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
