I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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