i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize