I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
