My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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