i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize