You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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