I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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