Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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