I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
