I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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