p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize