so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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