Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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