A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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