Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
