it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
