Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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