You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just found a bag of teeth...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
