Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
