Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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