So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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