i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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