I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize