Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
