I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
