please come you make the beer taste better
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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