If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
As shirtless as possible
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize