I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
