i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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