What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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