Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
