everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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