And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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