If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
