trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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