Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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