I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
