Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
