you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
