you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
