The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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