My Higher Power is John Stamos
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
