i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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