They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Drunk is not a location!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
