Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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