I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
