Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
