His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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