You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
