im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
