Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
These tits shall not be calmed
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
