There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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