you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
