Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
