dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
