hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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