im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
