There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
