I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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